How to get guys to approach you

You are a smart, attractive modern woman, you lead a healthy lifestyle, you eat clean, work on your fitness, you have several interesting hobbies and a job you enjoy. You are, objectively speaking, quite the catch. Yet if you find yourself wondering, ‘why am I not approached by men’, you are not alone. Many beautiful women find themselves not approached by men.

According to a recent study, 55% of women said they had not been approached romantically within the past month, and 35% within the last year. But here’s the interesting thing: 77% of women said they wanted to be approached more. Think about it - there is a significant disconnect between what many women long for versus what they get.

But the good news is: There is a way to take back control and get approached more. We have been there, sister. We have put together a practical guide on the small changes you can incorporate into your everyday life to make it easier for men to make the first move.

1. Get enough sleep

If you’re not getting approached, don’t despair. The first step is to go back to basics. When we don’t get enough sleep, our body struggles to function fully and prioritises energy distribution to the most vital areas. Our ability to connect with other human beings suffers.

A recent study found that participants with insomnia suffered in three main ways: They were slow to recognise facial expressions, struggled to read facial expressions correctly and rated facial expressions as less intense. If you are not getting enough sleep, you might struggle to tell a smile from a frown and your body is more likely to interpret expressions as more threatening than they actually are.

A lack of sleep also makes you more anxious and slow to react should someone approach you. Crazy, right? Latest research suggests that women should get between 7-9 hours’ of sleep every night. So make sure you hit the pillow like it’s a job and you’re about to get promoted.

2. Activate your energy to get the guy to make the first move

Albert Einstein famously said, “Everything is energy, and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy, this is physics.” Energy attracts energy. Positive people who are open to chat attract positive people who are willing to chat. This means getting rid of your grumpy resting face and replacing it with approachability. Light exercise (rope skipping, stretching, yoga, dancing to music in the kitchen) boosts circulation and releases endorphins. Exposure to natural sunlight in the morning helps reset your circadian rhythm and triggers cortisol to wake you up.

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3. Visual practice

Close your eyes, pick a place you would normally go to and imagine yourself getting approached by an attractive man - on the bus, in the shop or in the street while you are out for a run. Take two minutes to walk yourself through how the encounter happens. How do you spot him? What is he wearing? How does he look at you? How does he approach you? What does he say? How do you respond? Now rehearse the interaction in your head. How does it make you feel? What do you say? Imagine the conversation unfolding naturally. Does this sound a little bit woo-woo? It certainly isn’t - it’s a powerful technique rooted in science. Mental rehearsal is often used by athletes, public speakers or performers and lets you get comfortable with a future scenario before it happens. It gives your mind a preview of the encounter and teaches it to perceive an otherwise scary situation as something positive and exciting.

Remember Cool Runnings practising their turns in the bathtub? It’s a little bit like that, and just like in Cool Runnings it might seem a little silly but it helps your mind feel ready when the moment comes. We also subconsciously avoid what we fear and this technique helps reverse this reaction and attract new opportunities.

4. Remove distractions

We have become so reliant on technology that it has become normal to go through your life with your headphones on, staring at your phone or reading your Kindle. It’s like we have forgotten what it means to keep still for a little while. Our recommendation is: Go against the stream and save these for later, when you are at home. The public sphere is your opportunity to be approached by men. In the beginning it won’t be easy to stick with it. So start slowly. Instead of listening to a podcast during your commute, leave your headphones in the bag on your way in.

5. Slow down

If you are the type of person who just about makes the bus before the doors close, is always rushing and often late, you might want to re-think your habits. Slow down. A slower walk lowers stress levels, relaxes your body, puts your mind at ease and enables you to take in your surroundings. A slow walk also exudes confidence. It communicates ‘I am here’, and not ‘I should be somewhere else’. It makes space for the small, unexpected little details. The newly opened café on the corner. A flyer for a new class in your neighbourhood. A look from the cute guy on the bus. So next time, just take the next train. Stand still at the crossing. Sit on a bench for a few minutes and enjoy the sunshine. Let someone with fewer items go ahead in the shopping line. Have your coffee at the café instead of to go.

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6. Fixate and observe

Pick someone in the bar, on the train or at the bus stop and try to memorise what they look like. What are they wearing, where did they buy their clothes, what colour are their shoes? You can also make up little stories. Where have they come from, where are they headed to? What could be their name, what’s their story?

This technique helps you become more aware of what is going on around you and trains your brain to recognise signals. The other effect is that you will come across as interest-ed, and therefore interest-ing to talk to.

Then, when you feel more comfortable, try to hold more eye contact with strangers. The eyes are our most important non-verbal communication tool.

7. Open body language

Open body language does wonders to your confidence. Hunched shoulders make us look tense. A trick is to take a deep breath and let the air out slowly until your shoulders relax. Avoid fidgeting, it makes you seem nervous. Instead, consciously make your movements more slowly. Crossed arms give a defensive appearance so to avoid crossing your arms unconsciously, try holding something in your hand, like a coffee cup or a small notebook. Stand tall, roll back your shoulders and relax your body. You could imagine balancing a book on your head; this helps you stand a little taller. Another simple but effective trick is to raise your chin slightly - this exposes your neck and does wonders to your appearance. Think open and welcoming instead of closed off and guarded.

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8. Introduce novelty into your life

Do you know that feeling when you’re on holiday and everyone around you seems so friendly and nice? Part of the reason is novelty. When we find ourselves in new surroundings, our brain is in a heightened state of alertness and activates its learning mode. We pay more attention to the smaller details and perceive things more intensely. Experiencing a new environment also releases the feel-good transmitter dopamine and makes us perceive our surroundings more positively.

There is no need to travel to a foreign country - you can simply introduce novelty into your everyday life. Try a new sandwich shop for lunch. Go for a walk during your lunch break. Take the longer route home. Explore a new park at the weekend. Try a new café or restaurant. Do you usually take the train to work? Try getting off a stop early and walk the rest. You get the idea.

9. Still not approached enough? Engage with your surroundings

We have become so reliant on technology that we can spend our days going about our life without the slightest interaction with another human being. Understandably, moving from zero to a meet cute can feel like quite a jump.

So why not help bridge the gap? Seek out and embrace the little interactions in your everyday life and the bigger interactions will come naturally. Next time you are getting your latte, find out the name of the barista and how long they have been working there; it will make their day more interesting too. Introduce yourself to your neighbour - where do they work? Ask the person standing next to you if they can tell you why your train is late. If you are feeling bold, ask them what project they are working on this week. Talk to the waiter about his recommendations.

Aside from being good practice, little interactions like these add colour to our life.

10. Having a bad day?

Do you know those days when you feel like avoiding everyone and disappearing into a hole? That is normal! A busy period at work, stress at home, or a lack of sleep, the onset of your period or a bad hair day can impact your mood and change the way we perceive our surroundings.

Don’t be too harsh to yourself. Give yourself a break and try again the next day.

How are these tips working for you? Got any more to add? Let us know in the comments.